"it" just moved
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
