she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
