"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
