i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I still have a little drunk in my system
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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