my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
