I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
