Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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