I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
