decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
be right there i have to get my cape
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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