My liver just broke up with me...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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