totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
