She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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