Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
