fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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