Having a random hookup so left but love u
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
