I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
