I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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