I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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