i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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