Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
