My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
