you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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