I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
