Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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