Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
