final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
