Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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