If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
