Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
