Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
