I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
