just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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