So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
