there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
