Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
