Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
