i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
