Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
