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So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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