My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
