just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
