puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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