I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You dont lie about slip and slides
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
