I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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