What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
