Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
