How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
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