my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
