Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My life is pants optional.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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