dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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